You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
As shirtless as possible
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
