omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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