she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
