he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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