Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
the day after is always just damage control
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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