I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
