i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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