just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize