i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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