I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
