i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
