I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
