wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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