Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
ttyl tear gas
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
