The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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