so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
