better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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