THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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