there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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