My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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