Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
