Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize