Non-Jews are for practice
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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