respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
