Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We had to coat check the pizza.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
