I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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