Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
