I wish my penis had an off switch
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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