Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
