Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
