I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
