My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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