I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need water and some morals
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
