i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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