You smell like stripper and shame
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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