i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize