hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
