1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
