I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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