We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
