There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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