____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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