Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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