last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
