I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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