Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
