I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
