If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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