I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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