if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
