obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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