and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
