how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
we're so committed to being not committed
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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