Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
