i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
