I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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